Ever find you just can’t stop worrying or feeling afraid?
The struggle with anxiety and depression
I developed anxiety after my friend passed away. I felt alone, isolated and not myself. It developed slowly at first, and before I realised it, I was in a dark space. Thinking I was coping I threw a lot of my energy into my work and focused on other people.
I had forgotten about myself and what I needed to be present and healthy.
I never got medically diagnosed so i’ll never be 100% sure I had anxiety or depression, but the feelings were dark, erratic and I was in a bad head space.
The best way I can describe my mental state was like a big hippo sitting on my forehead pushing it towards the floor, like a permanent frown. It didn’t matter what I did, I couldn’t shake that feeling.
My partner knew something was wrong and kept asking “what’s wrong?”
There is something about that statement that makes people back up and get defensive. What’s wrong? What’s wrong? Then snap “nothings wrong why do you keep asking me? Im fine!”
At this point i needed help or needed the question reframed so I could digest or understand where it was coming from. I was turning inward at a rapid rate.
I kept saying I was fine when I wasn’t. I was working 100hrs per week, as I thought if I worked harder people would see I could do the job…I couldn’t, my brain was shutting down, I was hurting and I needed a break. A colleague stood in my office one morning and said to me “Scott you know this, fix it, why can’t you see what’s going wrong?!” I kept saying I’m trying but it was blurry, my thoughts were jumbled, I wasn’t coping, and I couldn’t work out how to fix the smallest things. I just kept working.
I tried working out, Partying and drinking and to excess, but nothing worked. I even had two of my dearest friends, stage an intervention at the request of my partner. She was trying everything to get thru, but I couldn’t let anybody in. They asked me to meet up for a Coffee(random as I don’t drink coffee?!?) and they asked me “are you ok?” I kept saying “yes I’m ok, I’m not going to kill myself don’t worry if that’s what your thinking, I’m ok”. I wasn’t. I lied to my closest friends and my partner, and shut them out. They knew something was wrong, they could sense it, see it and were trying to break through, I just wouldn’t let them in.
I didn’t want to open up as I cared for them and I didn’t want to burden them with my issues as they were hurting too. Our friend was gone and I was loosing on all fronts.
Soon after we learnt we were having our first child, I was then made redundant and was in the middle of building a new house, more pressure. I was stressed beyond belief!
I ended up with alopecia an untreatable condition where you loose body hair. I had patches on my head just start falling out and in clumps.
It started out small like a bird had pooped on my head but eventually it was half of my head, and I looked like an over walked 1970’s carpet all patchy and worn out.
The hair grew back a year or so later but as bleached white baby fluff! This was not the droid I was looking for!
Flipping the switch
Once my son was born I saw a glimmer of light ... It didn’t matter how bad my day was or how crap I felt, walking in the door and seeing this little cub smiling back at me changed something. I had a positive influence and something that made me smile each day. I looked forward not back.
Children are joyful and treat each day as a miracle—in part because they are continually surprised.
James Clear - Atomic habits
These small surprising moments changed my demeanour and I started the road back from that dark place. I started to notice I couldn’t pull my hair out anymore, and my patches started to disappear and my hair colour returned. It wasn’t a fast turn around it took time. Sometimes that’s what we need. Time.
It’s the small things that I now live for. Hanging out with mates, a good meal, a cuddle on the couch with my daughter or a date night with my partner. Focusing on the small things that bring me joy each day keeps me positive.
I have this small thing that I do with my daughter. My mum used to to this to my sister and I to help us get to sleep or ease our pain when we were sick.
She used to run her finger over our face , tracing around our facial features in a random pattern only stopping minutes latter with two gentle taps on the end of your nose. It was so gentle, soothing, relaxing, and loving.
To me this was the ultimate expression of love, and always made me feel special and always reminded me what I meant to her.
When she passed away, I felt bad for not repaying this selfless gesture on her death bed and not being there for her in those last moments. I felt helpless again though only momentarily. This time I had a coping mechanism. I had to switch off the negative thoughts, or id go backwards. She wouldn’t have wanted that, she knew best. She was the best.
I focused on the positive. The last day I saw her alive was on Xmas day 2020, we were laughing and joking, she seemed happy and at peace. I kissed her goodbye and said “I Love ya Mum!“, “I Love you to Son!”
I had given her what I could and been there when she needed me. It had been an emotional roller coaster and the last few years had taken its toll. Whilst it was her time to go and I knew she didn’t want to suffer or go through it anymore, I knew she was at rest. She’s ok now, and so am I.
You have to look after yourself first, you only have one you! You only have your health at the end of the day. Share your thoughts, be selfish, be grateful, be vulnerable, talk to your friends, tell them how you feel, don’t be afraid to be open up.
What’s the worst that could happen? You’ll probably find they have been thru the same thing and are waiting to share their experience too. Don’t bottle it up and try to be super human. Even the strongest people need help from time to time.
Put one foot in front of the other, eventually you can look back and be proud that you got through it.
This too shall pass
Tom Hanks
To my friends and family who were there for me thanx. I am eternally grateful and you mean the world to me. Love ya all.
Take care out there, look after yourself.
Ki Kaha Team
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